A River Runs Through It


"Without interrupting each other, we both said at the same time, "Let's never get out of touch with each other."  And we never have, although her death has come between us."

page 77 in my copy of "A River Runs Through It" by Norman Maclean.

presence

"People also leave presence in a place even when they are no longer there."

Andy Goldsworthy

A friend introduced me to Andy Goldsworthy yesterday.  

Steve loved the word 'more' and would often say just that one word when he was full - when a moment contained 'more' than words could hold, when life surprised us with its goodness, when the in sync ness felt electric.

Andy Goldsworthy's art = more.

valentines

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."  Thomas Campbell

desert fathers

This morning I read a story quoted in a book that Steve often referred to.  He had read it in a compilation of stories by the Desert Fathers and was taken with it.  I remember not really getting it.  I mean I listened because he obviously loved the story and resonated with it, but at that point it did not hold the same urgency, the same connection for me.

Here it is:

"One of the most powerful of the stories abut the fathers of the desert, those geniuses of the gospel life, tells of a meeting between Father Lot and Father Joseph.  Father Lot asked what else he must do to be perfect. He said that he ate little, slept little, prayed without ceasing, worked always with his hands, and shared whatever he had with the poor.  What, he wondered, did he lack?  Then Father Joseph rose and stretched out his arms, and tongues of fire flashed form his fingers.  'If you want,' he said, 'you can become a living flame.'  The fire of God, and whoever has faith to live only by his mercy will become a tongue of that fire.'

I think I am starting to get it.

from the Hours/Today

I continue to read daily from Phyllis Tickle's The Divine Hours.  I am using Steve's copy instead of my own and am glad when I find a day where he has underlined things or marked them.  Today's reading for the Monday nearest to January 8 has these words in parenthesis (To You that hear prayer shall all flesh come, because of their transgressions.  Our sins are stronger than we are, but you will blot them out.)  He has underlined the words, 'our sins are stronger than we are.'

Fifth Day of Christmas

I have heard the phrase 'word made flesh' since my earliest days.  But in Steve I see, I know 'flesh made Word.'

Advent Day 24

I gathered all of these Advent quotes and gave them to our family and friends last year, emailing one a day as a way of hearing Steve's voice in our season of waiting and hoping.   I still hear life in them, just as fresh as when I first read them.  

Just a few week or so ago I discovered the 'O Antiphons.'  Do you know about these?  I have never even noticed them.  This octave of days has been celebrated by the church since its earliest days.  From my reading I find that they have something to do with the hope of Jesus, his  presence in the world, words from Isaiah and the giving of gifts.  Maybe I will reflect on these words next advent when the loss of Steve is even more integrated in who I am and what is asked of me.  Maybe these ideas will resonate with me in a new way and will feel like gifts to me, in this time and place.  For now I am reminded that there is always more to be unearthed in a life bent on believing it all. Just when I think I am either too empty to face my future or too overwhelmed with its possibilities I am met with another way to 'order my days.'

 May the emptiness we taste in our loss of Steve be filled with the ‘more’ that he believed in and talked about so tenderly.