Sunday, April 29, 2012

a sermon entitled "Jesus" from 'the archives'


Jesus

             One thing I liked about going to seminary was that there were students there from all over the planet.  My roommate was Kenyan.  I learned how to say, “My truck is on fire” in Swahili.  Another one of my friends was a Nigerian named Polycarp.  I remember him for two reasons.  One day we were standing around, and the guys were all bragging about how they had proposed to their wives, and someone asked Polycarp how he had.  And he said, “I killed a hippopotamus with a spear.”  That was memorable.  The other thing was his account of how he had become a Christian.  He was from a tribal area that was not very friendly to Christians, and when he heard of Jesus, he showed interest, so his father beat him and locked him in a shed for three days without food or water. 
            There was also a man named Edward.  He got letters on a regular basis from his home country.  They said, “If you come home, the second your feet step off the plane, you will die.”  This was because he was a Christian, and planned to go home and preach about Jesus.  So, we would ask, “Edward, I guess you’re going to stay in the States, eh?”  He said, “No.  I’m going home.”
            I have met many people who were like this.  There is such a clarity to their faith.  There is something so magnetic about Jesus, so compelling, that they are willing to suffer anything, and risk anything to be his followers.  What is it that they see?           
                  I stumbled across a new television show the other night. I didn’t know it was controversial until I heard about it later on the news. It was called “The Book of Daniel,” and I think it lasted about six seconds on network TV. It was about a priest and his encounters with all sorts of people in his parish. I think part of the controversy was over the themes that were covered, the various struggles people were having. But that’s life. It may surprise some people that a priest would struggle with an addiction. No shock to me.
                 My issue with the show was more about the portrayal of Jesus. He was a part of the cast. Every few minutes, there’s Jesus. He was portrayed like George Carlin’s “Buddy Jesus,” a sort of nice, harmless hippie who gives a little advice here and there, but who’s never invasive. I understand this image of him. I see why people would like it. I just don’t think it’s true.
                  So this was my question: If I were to try and write that show, how would I cast Jesus? How would you? What’s he like? How does he enter life?
                  “Oh Rhythm of Life, why can’t I find you? I feel like I’m living two beats behind you.” These are the words of a homeless man, Michael. He’s a self-proclaimed street poet. As he considers his life of poverty and hopelessness, he not only feels out of step with life’s rhythm, but with the one who gives life its beat — God himself. You don’t have to be homeless to understand Michael’s frustration. Many people, both inside and outside the church, have a nagging sense that we are out-of-sync.
In the following passages from the Bible, there several encounters that Jesus has with two different types of people. They tell us about what we’re like, but also give a glimpse at what Jesus is like. Luke classifies the people as the “righteous” and the “sinners.” (5:32) The odd thing is that the righteous (those who think they are in step with God) are the ones missing the beat, while the sinners may actually be closer to God than they think.
Here’s my thinking in reading the gospels. Jesus is so much more immense and unpredictable and disturbing than we would ever think. And he is so much kinder. He said, “I have come to seek and to save that which was lost.”

Luke
Bad Girls and Good Men (7:36-50)

The Sinful Woman


The writers of the four Gospels said that Jesus was going from town to town preaching the “good news of the kingdom.” What about his message resonates so deeply with the crowds, with sinners?
A woman crashes a dinner party at the home of a very respectable religious leader named Simon. The English Standard Version describes this unnamed lady as “a woman of the city, who was a sinner.” Now you can probably get a picture in your head of what she was like. When I was about 14, my best friend and I both found ourselves strangely attracted to a girl named Ginger. My friend’s mother warned us that she was “worldly.” We really didn’t know what that meant, and it actually made her that much more intriguing to two teenage boys. My guess is that this woman fits the “one your mother warned you about” category. She’s a bad girl. Clearly, from the parable embedded in this story, she’s the one who owes the biggest debt.
What would make a woman like that burst into the home of a church leader? What would make her perform one of the most beautiful acts of worship recorded in the Bible (“... standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment.”)? The perfume was extremely valuable! Letting her hair down in public and washing Jesus’ feet with her tears was an act of supreme humility! What do you think would make her do it?
What we are seeing is love in response to being loved. What we are witnessing is the joy and relief that follows the cancellation of an enormous, insurmountable debt. (500 denaraii is the equivalent of a year and half’s salary. How would you like to have that on your credit card?)
When I call my dad and ask how he’s doing, he begins to recite the day’s menu. “Your mom is cutting up some vegetables and I’m about to heat up the grill …” I finally realized that this was his way of saying, “Everything is OK.”
One time I called him because I heard that a monstrous hurricane was going to come ashore from the Gulf of Mexico, right on top of the little beach town where they live. “Dad, how are you?”
“This one looks bad,” he said. I could hear the tension in his voice. “We’re boarding up and getting ready to head out.”
Later, after the storm turned and missed their town, I called again. “Dad, how are you?”
“Well, your mother is making a big pot of gumbo …” Relief! The impending storm had been turned aside, and everything is OK.
What must it have been like to be one of the bad girls of the day, to be shunned by the religious community (and to assume that you were shunned by God as well), and then to hear these words coming from Jesus’ mouth: “Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.” This is a beautiful story of a woman who enters Jesus’ presence in the turmoil and heavy guilt of her sin, and leaves in the joy, relief and peace of forgiveness.

The Good Man


So I invite you over to a dinner party. You knock on the door. I open it and say, “Oh … it’s you.” You extend your hand. I put mine behind my back. You ask if you can wash up before dinner. I say “No.” At dinner, I move around refilling glasses with a choice beverage. You hold out your glass. I pass you by. The other guests are looking at you, whispering and then chuckling. Feeling welcome so far?
“You gave me no water for my feet. You gave me no kiss. You did not anoint my head with oil.” It was the same sort of thing.
Simon was one of “God’s men.” He was an influential religious leader. He was held in high regard by the people. He was very moral. And Simon didn’t like Jesus very much.
He also didn’t like this woman crashing the party. “Does he know what sort of woman this is who is touching him?!”
Simon had what Dan Allender calls the “illusion of righteousness.” He assumed that his goodness and high religious position put God in his debt. Do you know anyone like this?
Jesus’ parable reveals a different picture. Simon was in debt. On the first reading, Simon’s debt must be the 50 denaraii (still a considerable amount, about a month and half’s salary, due and payable right now!). But you wonder if his offence wasn’t the greater. His treatment of Jesus demonstrates that Simon had no sense of need for any “good news.” He not only looked down on the sinful woman, but upon the one who welcomes sinners. Simon didn’t like grace.
Jesus’ words must have been haunting to him. As the woman came in turmoil and left in peace, maybe Simon came to dinner with a smug sense of peace but left in turmoil. Do you see anything of Simon in yourself? What do you think it would look like to repent of our “Simon-ness”?

Two Lost Sons[1] (15:1-3, 11-32)

 

The Younger Brother


This chapter opens with “sinners” gathering around Jesus to hear him, while the religious leaders are muttering to themselves, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.” In response, Jesus tells three stories (parables) all dealing with lost-ness — one about a lost sheep, one about a lost coin, and one, the most famous, about two lost sons.
In the parable commonly referred to as the prodigal son, Jesus actually begins like this: “There was a man who had two sons …” It is a story of what Tim Keller calls “younger brother lost-ness and older brother lost-ness.” It’s not meant to be a sentimental story about the return of a rebellious child (although that is a beautiful part of it), but rather a story that scandalizes the ones who are muttering against him. But we’ll come to that later.
What about the “prodigal”? His lost-ness is pretty obvious. We all feel the prodigal pull. A yearning to break away and squander. He acts out what many of us think about. And he comes to the end of himself pretty quickly.
My daughter (at 5 years of age) was going around our house singing a song from the radio, “What if God were one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on the bus trying to find his way home?” I laughed; then I wondered where my kids get this stuff. But as I thought about the question in the song, I began to think it wasn’t too irreverent after all. It’s the question of the prodigal. I don’t think God’s a slob, but is he a God who can relate to slobs? Is there a God for strangers? Is there a God for people who squander? Is there a God for people who spoil everything?
Prodigals are more likely to see and feel their lost-ness. Prodigals often come to point where they just want to go home, but they don’t think that they can. And what the “sinners” are hearing from Jesus (and this is why they flock to him), is that he welcomes sinners and eats with them. “Come home.”

The Older Brother


Why is the older brother so mad? It’s understandable. His little brother just blew half of the family fortune on liquor and women. And now he’s back and Dad’s throwing a huge party. Whose half of the money pays for that? Whose fattened calf? Whose robe? All this extravagance is being charged against the estate of the older brother!
At first you think that he despises his little brother, but then you see that he despises his father as well. “I have slaved for you!”
One Christmas my mom gave me a very unique gift. She commissioned a local potter to make me a communion chalice and plate. That may seem like a strange gift to you, but for me it was perfect. I was about to plunge into the huge and frightening endeavor of planting a church. Mom’s gift said, “I know who you are. I know what matters to you. I love what you are about to do.” It was a gift that was shaped out of her love for me. It wasn’t an obligatory gift. Obligatory gifts are the ones you give because you have to, either to save face with the recipient or to get something from them (like having to buy Christmas gifts for a weird relative and his kids just because they are showing up for the holidays). The older brother slaves away not because he loves the father, but so he will get his reward in the end. “I’ve been good and you give me nothing. He’s a waste and you lavish on him!” What separates older brothers from God is the underlying belief that they have earned His favor. 
Though he has stayed close to home, his view of the father shows he is far away. He’s the good son, but he is angry, joyless (he can’t enter the party), bitter, jealous, and critical. He’s lost. This story is directed at the Pharisees and the teachers of the Law, the religious. They are so close to the truth and yet so very, very far away.
Still, do you see in these parables that there is an offer of forgiveness for both the woman and for Simon? Do you see that the father goes out to both sons? Do you see that he invites both to the feast? That both kinds of sinner are invited home, back to God?

John
Wine and a Whip

Wedding


                  In the second chapter of his Gospel, the Apostle John shows us Jesus’ way when he’s out with the crowds, and how he is different with the religious inner circle. He really takes a different posture depending on which group he’s talking to.
      His first public miracle (or “sign”) was done at a wedding in a town called Cana. This is Jesus and his boys out with the people. Luke showed us that he eats with “sinners,” that he really is at ease with people. I think it’s like that here. He enters the joy of it.
                  Then there is a crisis. No wine. This is probably more than just a social embarrassment. It is most likely an indicator that the wedding couple is poor. And now, on their best day, poverty steals back in and robs their joy.
                 Jesus has a funny conversation with his mother here. Mary comes to him assuming he can fix it. He says, “Woman, what has this to do with me? My hour has not yet come.” (What’s that about? I always thought that seemed sort of blunt. But recently, I saw that Passion of the Christ movie, where the flashbacks of Jesus and Mary portrayed their relationship as more playful and down-to-earth, so maybe this is mildly tongue-in-cheek, like he is teasing her.)
                  So, Mary ignores him, like a mother would, and just tells the help to do what he says.
                  Off to the side are six big water jars. They weren’t just used to clean up, but for ritual purification (hint, hint). Jesus tells them to fill them up with water. By my calculations, they hold between 120 and 180 gallons. 
He tells the workers to dip some out and take it to the wedding coordinator (I think of Franc from Father of the Bride). He takes a drink and immediately calls the groom over, and jumps his case using party logic. “Look, you’re supposed to bring out the really good wine first, then when everybody’s senses are a little dulled, when their ‘hearts are gladdened,’ then you bring out the cheap stuff. You got it backwards!”
So, Jesus saves the wedding with a gift of 120 – 180 gallons of really good wine. On the day that was supposed to be the most joyful, the crisis was just a reminder of their poverty. The couple was trying to steal a happy moment from their brokenness, and even that was slipping away. And Jesus reversed it. He gave them their joy back. I feel like he was saying, “I am the Lord of Joy, and I’m bringing a joyful kingdom.”
“My hour.” For him there is a shadow here. It’s bittersweet. His cross is looming. The hour of his death. I used to say, “For us to drink the cup of joy, he had to drink a cup of sorrow.” I do think that’s true, but it’s more mixed up than that. There would be a time later that he would cry out to God, “Take this cup from me!” He knows at the wedding that he would drink the Gethsemene cup. But the letter to the Hebrews says, “For the joy set before him he endured the cross.” There is a sweetness here, too. I think he loves this bride and groom. I think he loves his mother. I think he loves his disciples, and the crowd. He would willingly drink sorrow because of his deep, deep affection for his people. He would drink it because he loves me. 

Whip


                  In the very next story, Jesus goes to the temple in Jerusalem for the Passover.  Now this is a big deal. Hundreds of thousands of people would be there from many countries for this monster feast. It would be like a Mardi-Gras, carnival atmosphere surrounding this high time of worship. 
                  This is the famous “cleansing the temple” incident.  The Gospels record that he did this a second time right after his Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem during the last week of his life.  In the temple courts, Jesus encounters money-changers. People would come from all over the world to make sacrifices. It’s a pretty dangerous trip, and hard to drag a sheep or a bull along. So people would buy animals to sacrifice right there. The money-changers would make the exchanges. I’m not sure that this in itself was the problem. It actually makes sense. I think it was where they set up shop that was the problem. The temple had several consecutive rings, or sections. The outer area was the “Court of the Gentiles.” This is where people from other nations could come and be near to God. It was supposed to be where they could worship. But, these profiteers had turned it into a market. What angers Jesus is that the outcasts and outsiders were being taken advantage of, and being pushed out of God’s house.
                   Jesus says, “My house shall be a house of prayer for all peoples!” This is a quote from Isaiah chapter 56, where Isaiah relays his vision for the temple:

Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the Lord say, “The Lord will surely separate me from his people”; and let not the eunuch say, “Behold, I am a dry tree.” For thus says the Lord: “To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off. “And the foreigners who join themselves to the Lord, to minister to him, to love the name of the Lord, and to be his servants, everyone who keeps the Sabbath and does not profane it, and holds fast my covenant—
these I will bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer; their burnt offerings and their sacrifices will be accepted on my altar; for my house shall be called a house of prayer for all peoples.” The Lord God, who gathers the outcasts of Israel, declares, “I will gather yet others to him besides those already gathered.”

Isaiah mentions two groups of people, the foreigners and the eunuchs.  I would say that these represent the cultural outcasts and the social outcasts. Both feel that they are somehow cut off from God and the temple.  Do you hear the vision for the temple?  It would be a place where a eunuch (social outcast) could come and receive a new name, one that is better than a son or daughter.  Can you imagine what it would have been like to be scorned and then hear God say this to you? And the foreigner (cultural outcast) could come and his prayers and sacrifices would be welcomed, and they could be joyful in God’s house. 
The final statement says that God goes after outcasts.  He gathers them.  He gives them new names and likes their prayers.  God had the temple built so that he and his people could welcome sinners. When Jesus quotes Isaiah, he is saying that he is the one who is coming to fulfill Isaiah’s vision. 
The disciples also remember these words: “Zeal for his house would consume him.” He is taken with a burning anger at those who would exclude the very ones he has come for. And he makes a whip and drives the “robbers” out of the temple. Pretty invasive.
      Jesus takes wine to a wedding and a whip to church.  I think we get it backwards (if we take wine anywhere, that is.)

Jesus
He is so much more immense and unpredictable and disturbing than we would ever think. And he is so much kinder.
There are some people in our church who say “bad words”.  It really unnerves a lot of people, who get pretty angry about it.  The angry people always come tell me about it (they never talk to the people they are mad at).  One of these people wrote me an email wondering how we could let this go on, and he said this:  “I can’t imagine how this is ruining your witness to non-Christians” (his words).  But here’s the funny thing.  Most the people who come to our church who are “non-Christians”, come because they have been loved, welcomed, cared for by the “cussers”.  The angry people don’t bring anyone to church.  Can somebody explain that to me?
A guy named Cornell hangs out on the street around our church a lot. He calls me Superman, and well, I like that. He’s something of a theologian. He says, “Superman, I’ve been reading about the ancient church.”
I say, “Tell me about it.”
“Well, the ancient church was surrounded by barbarians. And they started letting those barbarians into the church.”
“What happened then?” I ask.
He replies, “Well, the church got real barbarous.” Then he winks at me. I think he meant this: When the church welcomed sinners, it got pretty wild … and the world changed.
There is a question that Tim Keller asks, which has haunted our little church from its beginning. “If Jesus’ ministry attracted sinners and repelled religious people, then why do our churches attract religious people and repel sinners?” How would you answer this question? If this Jesus were around today, wouldn’t that change everything? 





[1] My thinking and reflections on this text were greatly influenced by two sermons, one by Tim Keller and one by Sinclair Ferguson. Also, by the book The Return of the Prodigal, by Henri Nouwen.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

a sonnet for steve

A few weeks ago I received a call from Anna Claire one evening.  I could hear  urgency in her voice, raw presence in her emotions, the sense of being so fully awake to life that it was almost too much.  She had had a simple school assignment - either write an essay or try to write an italian sonnet with its rhythmic prescriptions.  She thought that a sonnet might be fun, she had not written one before.

So, she put her ipod on shuffle and began to give herself to her assignment.  She told me that the songs we had recorded as a family came on, and then 'how sweet the name of jesus sounds' came on, and then tears came....and then this sonnet:

"I had to write an Italian sonnet tonight and it suddenly turned into steve. here it is.

The sound of laughter swiftly flows,
Your voice fills every heart.
The warmth we felt from the start,
We never dreamt would go.
A beautiful life we began to live,
A sacred, secret world we made.
Many souls forsook us, but those who stayed
Received a thing only heaven could give.

This 'heaven,' yet was not our friend,
and the God it housed made a choice
that broke our hearts, for never again
would our hearts be filled with his voice.

But OH, to have known his wondrous love
was not half as potent below as it is now above.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

the week of his birth

We are now entering 'the week of his birth,' as this coming Sunday would have been Steve's 50th birthday.  That means that this last year was his year of 'Jubilee.'  I need to do a little more research on this idea, but I do know that it is a hebraic one, that it has something to do with returning to the family land, the release of debt and freedom.


It is also my forty-ninth year.  I will turn fifty in August, a day known as 'lammas,' a celtic feast day associated with bringing in the harvest, the baking of bread and abundance.  I find this ironic, as I have known so much loss in the arena of material things, standard relationships and a secure future.  I do feel like I live a life of abundance, though, somehow, at least in the arena of meaning, beauty and friendship.


Early in the cancer fight I said to Steve's friend Brian, "I am going to be a case study for these hymns you write and put to music."  He answered, 'Don't you think we all really are, Melanie?"  I guess that that is true, even though we may not put it like that.  Do these hymns hold water?  Do they bring the life they promise?  Are the words life and breath?  Really?


Steve and I found our deepest resonance in these kinds of words and would often sit hearthside and sing them.  Sometimes the children would be sitting near with laptops and would record it all.  I now put these on repeat and hear his voice and listen as if my life depended on it.  As i think it does.


One of these recordings is of the hymn "How Sweet the Name of Jesus Sounds, " a song both of us had sung as lullabyes to our children and loved for years.  For the first four verses Steve and I sing together, and then for some reason he stops and i keep singing.  Maybe he thought we'd sung enough, or maybe it was a verse that was not as important to him, but now, the recording feels prophetic.  My friend Laurie told me that it is like I am left to sing one more verse, and then I will join him.


With this thought in mind, I discovered that there is another additional verse.  I have taught this to the school children, and when we get to that verse, I do not sing it.  It is the one they will keep singing when I am gone, when I have joined Steve.  When I have joined all those I love who have gone on ahead.




How sweet the Name of Jesus sounds
In a believer’s ear!
It soothes her sorrows, heals her wounds,
And drives away her fear.



It makes the wounded spirit whole,
And calms the troubled breast;
’Tis manna to the hungry soul,
And to the weary, rest.



Dear Name, the Rock on which I build,
My Shield and Hiding Place,
My never failing treasury, filled
With boundless stores of grace!





Jesus! my Shepherd, Brother, Friend,
My Prophet, Priest and King,
My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End,
Accept the praise I bring.



and my verse.....


Weak is the effort of my heart,
And cold my warmest thought;
But when I see Thee as Thou art,
I’ll praise Thee as I ought.



and the children's verse.....


Till then I would Thy love proclaim
With every fleeting breath,
And may the music of Thy Name
Refresh my soul in death!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

From my commonplace book

"When I am not blinded by my tears, I can begin to see how much remains for me to do.  When I do not bolt the doors of my heart, I can begin to realize how much love there is still left.  Slowly, ways of usefulness appear for me, gradually they open other ways through which beauty and tenderness and joy and wonder creep back into life; as the green covering returns to the earth, as the waters to the well, as healthy tissue to the wound.

Beauty, tenderness, joy, wonder.  Let them in, I say to you.  Welcome them.  Be them.

Elizabeth Yates

I remember a morning, much like this morning, sitting on the arm of the gray and white gingham Ikea chair in our bedroom, where Steve was sitting, drinking some kind of fruit and kale smoothie i had prepared for him.  I was perusing the blue bookshelf where Steve kept his treasured books that sat right behind the chair.  I noticed a book by Elizabeth Yates entitled, Up the Golden Stair.  Elizabeth Yates is one of my favorite authors, but I did not remember that Steve would have known of  her and I did not remember discussing her with him.

I pulled it off the shelf.  Steve reminded me that it was in his Christmas stocking a couple of years earlier.  From me to him.  And I did not even remember.  I had not read it, it had been sitting silently on our shelves waiting for its time.

I started reading this book aloud to Steve and then silently as he began to sleep more.  I read it now and find life in it.

Here is an excerpt from the forward:

 "This book has grown out of necessity, as most books do in any case.  I had been asked to think about writing a book that would present the idea of death to children.  This stirred me because, for a long time, I had had many thoughts on the subject.  So I opened my mind to see what would flow into it and also to examine for their usefulness and validity the ideas that I had been holding over the years.

However, before many weeks had passed, I was called upon to put my long-held thoughts to the test - not of words on paper but in the living of one day after another without the near presence of the one with whom I had shared everything that was life....."

Friday, April 6, 2012

stripping the altar

I attended the Maundy Thursday service at our church last night.  During one part of the service we are invited to walk to the front and have a foot washed by the priest, following Jesus' example.  I remember the first time Steve and I attended this service and how tender and holy it felt to watch Steve remove his shoe and have our priest tend to him.  I have a particular fondness for feet ( I dare not call it a fetish as i have learned that that is a sexual word and I can assure you it is nothing like that.)  I love having my feet rubbed and i love rubbing the feet of those i love.

After the homily, communion, singing of hymns and closing words, the lights are dimmed and the stripping of the altar begins.  Words are read, Psalm 22 words, forsaken words and dark ones.  Words about a dry mouth, melting insides like wax, abandonment.  Then the organ and violin play.  It is the same every year, a minor key adagio.  It takes a long time to remove every candlestick, every cloth, every chalice, every cross, every symbol of life, every vestige of life.  Even the red candle, that otherwise stays lighted all year is snuffed out.  I gasp when the priest pulls down the lantern, lifts the lid and blows it out.  It is like the moment when life left his body. It is the moment that changes everything.

The stripping reminds me of the days of losing, the loss of abilities, the loss of weight, the loss of hair, the loss of alertness, the loss of energy, the loss of hope, the loss of strength, and finally the loss of presence.  All stripped away piece by piece last year this time.

Now, his absence is his presence.

"Put yourself in the way of the gift." says the Gilead father.   These rituals - feet washing, altar stripping, good friday quiet  - are the way of the gift this year.

'having loved those who were his in the world'

i read these words in the maundy thursday reading.  john 13:1

i love these words.  they remind me of steve.

"Before the festival of Passover, Jesus, knowing that his hour had come to  pass fro this world to the Father, having loved those who were his in the world, loved them to the end."

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

an old sermon....psalm 27....saved in steve's archives


27


Give the deepest parts of yourself to God.  That’s the exploration.  We sing, read, hear, preach the psalms and take the words up as if they are our own,  believing that they will give voice to our own inner turmoil, fears and joys.  It’s as if God is putting words in our mouths- words that get to what we want to express but cannot express.  This Psalm carries both sides of the experience, both incredible disorientation, but also hope breaking through.
            Steve Brown (a preacher who says things that preachers aren’t supposed to say) said, “Religion is for people who are afraid of Hell.  Christianity is for people who have been there.” 
            These psalm words aren’t written by insensitive religious people who are trying to goad you into getting your act together so that God might smile at you.  They come from people who have tasted humanity at its worst.  It is the most human of books. 
            Jesus was the Psalm singer.  When he talked with God, he used the words of the Psalms.  He was intimately acquainted with the deepest human experiences, and knew the full weight of our brokenness, and these words gave the best, richest expression to that experience.
            Psalm 27 is not a happy little song that is out of touch with reality.  It is a song from Hell.  It comes from someone who has tasted the bitterness of life.  And yet…this hope, this light, springs up in the middle of it. 
            You have a man who is writing this song from a place where he sees no way out.  He can’t envision a way out of his misery.  It seems like there are dual pressures on his soul.  He feels it from the outside, “armies encamped around him…,” etc.  And on top of that, “his father and mother have forsaken” him.  Our first parents, Adam and Eve brought a strain into our human existence.  When they rebelled against God, he cursed them.  It was his mercy, but it was also very painful.  He told Eve that “in pain she would bring forth children.”  He says to the man that he will work in “painful toil”.  In all the parts of your life, your dealing with the world, your work, and in your relationships there will be sorrow.  Eve knows pain not just in the physical delivery of her children, but in raising them, one son murdering another.  In the Genesis chapters that follow their story the world becomes increasingly violent.  Armies encamp against me….  He feels the weight of a violent world.  My father and mother forsake me….  He feels the tearing fabric of his relationships, of families, and of communities.  Intense external pressure.
            Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not….  This is the internal pressure.  “Surely all these bad things that are happening are God’s judgment against me for the things I’ve done.”  That shame is always spinning around in our heads.  “I know he’s going to cast me off.”   Assailed inside as well.  I’m my own worst enemy.
            Sin doesn’t compartmentalize.  It touches everyone and every place and every part of me.  It bleeds into everything that I do.  Even my righteous deeds are like ‘menstrual rags’”, Paul says.
            These aren’t the words of a moralist.  This is a guy who feels like he is in Hell, and doesn’t see a way out.

            A year ago I took the kids to Disney.  Whether you want to believe it or not, Disney is a magical place.  It’s amazing, rides, shows, food.  All of it.  There is no joy to a parent like placing your children on a ride where they will be launched at 75 mph, brought to the point where they are sure they are about to die, to scream, then be saved at the last second…then to talk about it for hours.  What a joy to terrorize your kids that way!  It’s an astounding place. 
            After a few hours I start to wonder what it must take to make a place like that work.  What does it take to pull off Disney World?  The infrastructure must be incredible, behind the scenes and under the surface.  What’s it take to give a family just five or six hours in a day where everything bad is pushed back?
            There’s a ride they don’t advertise there.  It’s called the “Monorail of Terror”.  It’s the train that opens about 2:00 in the afternoon, and takes people back to the parking lot.  At that time, every child under five who has been in the park for four or five hours begins to unravel.  It is filled with the screams of the children who have just had too much Mickey.  Their poor stunned parents are just trying to get to the car.  You can hold it off for a few hours, but then it all collapses back in.  Even Uncle Walt can’t stop it.
            It’s not that there are no joys.  It’s just that you can’t hold the fallenness back.  It’s always pressing in.
            We all have elaborate mechanisms, all of us, to clear out space, to cope.  We all create ways to get some relief from both external pressures and internal pressures.  That’s what a lot of our behavior is.  Just trying for a few minutes to get some relief or peace.  My friend says we all construct scaffolding around our lives to hold them up.  It works pretty well for the most part.  But these grinding pressures begin to pull it down.  Pieces of it begin to get pulled out until finally it collapses.  That’s when you see no way out.  That’s when you’ve got nothing.
            Think about the Hurricane Katrina victims who lost everything.  There’s not a house, there’s not a tool, not a phone.  All they can do is sit on the curb with nothing…nothing but need.  Your only hope is mercy.
            You know where this Psalm writer lives and he knows where you live.  This isn’t foreign territory for you, is it?

            But then he starts singing this:  For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock.
He doesn’t say he has done these things.  He says he will.  He’s still in Hell, but there is this hope for the future springing up.  I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!   How do you get there when your sitting on the curb with nothing?
            He is hoping that he will be relieved from his traumas.  I think he has seen the sorrow of the whole world and is singing this hopeful song for himself, but also for everyone.  Thy kingdom come!”  We’ve seen desolation, inside and out, but we are believing that Jesus will come and make it right, and not just in the by and by, but now.  Tangible expressions of the goodness of God now.
            One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.
            We met the idea of “meditating” in Psalm 1.  When we’re afraid we turn away from God.  But this man has a posture shift.  I will face God.  In all my Psalm 27 experiences I will open to him. 
            Tim Keller has said that Christianity is not a philosophical system.  It has one, but that is not what it is.  It’s not a moral system.  It has one, but that is not what it is.  Bottom line, Christianity is Jesus.  It’s him.  Your face, Lord, will I seek”.  A change in posture, opening to him.
            We may take issue with some of the things that come with Christianity, like some of those pesky commandments.  We may not like some of those things.  But it’s not really that we don’t like those things.  It’s that we don’t like Jesus.
            The Psalmist wants one thing.  God.  What do I want?  Just to gaze at him.  That’s what I was made for.  My one hope would be that I get him.  I can take the rest if I get him.  If I can have this one thing, it will be everything.  Jesus is everything, or Christianity is nothing.
            Even in Hell he is overcome by this sweet thought.  My father and mother may forsake me.  But the Lord will take me in.  Here’s T.S. Eliot:

            The end is where we start from
we shall not cease from exploration,
and the end of all our exploring
will be to arrive where we started
and know the place for the first time.

We start with God and we end with God.  No matter where your explorations take you, they take you back to him.  And even Hell is bearable.

           
           

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Passion

Early in Steve told me that his stoic stance was really a veneer to protect his passionate inner landscape from either actual or perceived critical audiences.  I would often search his face for a hint at what he was really thinking and then wait days to hear the cry of his heart.  Acceptance and tender attention unlocked his treasure trove.

My insides longed for camouflage, but I tended to wear my heart on my sleeve.  Every emotion demanded an audience and I was exhausted.  His compassionate acceptance and attention to me gathered my unravellings.   I think our love made room for both of our extremes, bringing rest and sanity.  Somehow this kind of openness tapped timelessness.  I am still awed at how our days together seem like years, like decades when compared to my earlier ones.

As soon as we found out that Steve had cancer we made an appointment with our priests to tell them.  To listen to them.  To hear words that would shape this particular passion.

I emailed Eric earlier this lent and asked him what he remembered about that meeting.  I am posting part of the email here, to help me remember what Steve wanted.


Melanie,
.....

I remember saying that many people were going to want to swarm around you and advised you to set up ways to guard what was precious from becoming tawdry - that perhaps a blog would allow you to communicate what you were experiencing in the dying process, without having to repeat it over and over....

 And yes, there is a ministry in dying and that you and Steve were uniquely suited to communicate what you would be discovering of the gospel....

I remember Steve talking about all things being drawn into love, and that that was what he wanted....

My prayers and love be with you during this Lent, this return to the wilderness.
Eric.


a Holy Week reading from Nouwen

from Steve's copy of Eternal Seasons by Henri Nouwen:

Jesus, sitting at table with his disciples, said, "One of you will betray me" (John 13:21).  I read this to day in the Gospel.

As I look more closely at Jesus' words as they are written in Greek, a better translation would be "One of you will hand me over."  The term paradidomi means "to give over, to hand over, to give into the hands of" (Romans 8:32).

If we translate Judas's acton as "to betray," as applied to Judas, we do not fully express the mystery because Judas is described as being an instrument of God's work.  that is why Jesus said, "The Son of  Man is going to his fate, as the scriptures say he will, but alas for the man by whom the Son of  Man is betrayed (handed over) (Matthew 26:24).

this moment when Jesus is handed over to those who do with him as they please is a turning point in Jesus' ministry.  It is turning from action to passion.  After years of teaching, preaching, healing, and moving to wherever he wanted to go, Jesus is handed over to the caprices of his enemies.  Things are no longer done by him, but to him.  He is flagellated, crowned with thorns, spat at, laughed at, stripped, and nailed naked to a cross.  He is a passive victim, subject to other people's actions.  From the moment Jesus is handed over, his passion begins, and through his passion he fulfils his vocation.  (Steve underlined this)


It is important for me to realize that Jesus fulfills his mission not by what he does, but by what is done to him.  Just as with everyone else, most of my life is determined by what is done to me and thus is passion.  And because most of my life is passion, things being done to me, only small parts of my life are determined by what i think, say, or do.  I am inclined to protest against this and to want all to be action, originated by me.  But the truth is that my passion is a much greater part of my life than my action.  Not to recognize this is self-deception and not to embrace my passion with love is self rejection.  (Steve's notes:  'that i can't control things.  that i have to live with what comes.)


It is good news to know that Jesus is handed over to passion and through his passion accomplishes his di vine task on earth.  it is good news for a world passionately searching for wholeness.


Jesus' words to Peter remind me that Jesus' transition from action to passion must also be ours if we want to follow his way.  He says, "When you were young you put on your own belt and walked where you liked; but when you grow old you will not stretch out your hands, and somebody else will take you where you would rather not go."John 21:18

I too, have to let myself be handed over and thus fulfill my vocation.

A kind of death

"It is a kind of death to avoid the pain of well doing, or trouble of well living."  Montaigne