Thursday, August 11, 2011

a robert frost poem to ponder


I could give all to Time except – except
What I myself have held.  But why declare
The things forbidden that while the Customs slept
I have crossed to Safety with?  F or I am There
And what I would not part with I have kept.

                                                            Robert Frost

Sunday, August 7, 2011

favorite picture - our wedding day

Chapter 4 of the Novella

 I have waited to post this, thinking that i might not post it after all.  Steve did write it about me, but the hard facts are not actual,  but are true to the spirit of my life, as he saw me.


It is the last almost full chapter we have of his novel.  The rest of the book was just in outline form, with notes for ideas that he planned to shape and mold...in time.



Her


            The love that Sam found as a man, broke into Mahlon’s life and shaped it from her earliest days.  She lived a magical childhood that in many ways should not have been. 
            Her father had all the blessings and curses that come with Irish blood.  He had a charm that could win over any person or room full of people.  He could sing, and often did, in a tenor voice that would bring tears to eyes of everyone within the sound of his voice. 
            Along the way, this southern Irishman found his way into a Mennonite Church, his family’s Catholic ties having been forgotten generations ago.  He channeled the passions of his blood into religious fervor, and though a laymen, could preach with zeal and fire.  He flourished in this austere and temperate congregation, and he championed its cause.  It was a world where men were men, and women were silent.  And he loved it.
            Only his wife and children knew his secret side.  He was reckless in spending money, and the family stayed on the brink of bankruptcy.  In public he decried the evils of drink, but in private he nurtured quite an affection for it.  And in his sodden hours, he showed a fierce temper. 

            Her mother was Pennsylvania Dutch.  She was a quiet, shy girl who was taken with the magnetic nature of Mahlon’s dad.   This Mennonite community reminded her of her own upbringing, and she was, in the beginning, at home in their plain, strict world.  Their early years were happy ones, and she gave her attention to her husband and to her children.  But by the time Mahlon came along, the youngest of four, the home had become a terror. 
            When he first began to demonstrate a violent side, her mother gathered to courage to talk to the pastor of their church.  He only encouraged her to be a supportive wife, though he promised to speak with the man.  Nothing came of that.  No one seemed to believe her.  She found a deep strength, and knew that she would have to shield her children alone, especially her youngest daughter.  And she did. During her early childhood, her brave mother created a world full of wonder.  Love came to her in the shape of a mother, and wrapped her up snuggly.  Mahlon was aware of her father, but was somehow untouched by his dark presence.
            Late one Saturday night, he came home drunk and in a temper.  Her mother met him at the door and declared that she would have no more.  He slugged her in the face, knocking her to the floor.
            The next morning, he rose from his stupor and went alone to church.  He was to sing that day.  Midway through his anthem, Mahlon’s mother threw open the sanctuary doors, and marched up to the aisle to the front pew.  She set herself down and held her battered face high.  A murmur arose among the people, and their eyes went back and forth between husband and wife.  He began to sputter, and his voice failed him.  And the church knew they had failed her. 
            That day, Mahlon’s father fled.  He was out of their lives for years.  The contrite families of the church began to gather around, and all the Mr.’s and Mrs.’s, soon became uncles and aunts.  The kindness that had been suppressed by rigidity was now freed by the defiant courage of her mother, and they were changed into a community of love.  There was not a home where Mahlon was not cherished and treated as a beloved daughter.  If she needed a dress, one would appear on the front porch of their small house.  Shoes, bikes, camps, parties, all came to her, and more. 
            As she grew, she was allowed to spend her summers with her Pennsylvania grandparents.  They lived in a fine house on a large lake.  Her grandfather called her his “little sparkplug”, and that nickname summed her up.  She was precocious and alive.  While she, like Sam, was aware of an unseen world, she was still constantly amazed by things she found in this one.  Whether it was a pretty new leaf, an animal, a new flavor of ice cream, or an idea, it was met with her familiar exclamation, “Oh my gosh!”, or “That’s it!”  Every day was a day of discovery.
            She inherited the best parts of both her parents.  From her father she inherited charm and passion.  She never tried to draw attention, in fact, she was barely conscious of the attention she received.  She was the same girl, whether alone or in a crowded room.  But when she did enter a room, and when she spoke, every head turned her way.
From her mother she received strength and kindness.  Mahlon could turn the same wonder she had for the world around her, toward a person.  Even as a little girl, she could gaze into a person’s eyes, and begin to draw them out (I understand now what had happened on the night I was interrogated). 
And Mahlon was rebellious.  Not in a reckless sort of way.  She just would never settle for things as they were.  While she was happy in her safe, religious world, she always knew that there was more.  And she wasn’t afraid to look for it.
            Mahlon was famous in their church for one day, at the age of nine, raising her hand in the middle of a sermon, and starting a ten minute discussion with the pastor.  He, knowing her well, not only indulged her questions, but finally conceded the point.  Her mother looked over and winked at her, both now notorious for disrupting Sabbath observances.  After church took her for ice cream.
           
           
           

Saturday, August 6, 2011

keep a poem in your pocket.....

I am amazed but not surprised at how heartening poetry and meaningful words continue to be.  They are my daily bread.

However, I am surprised by how affronted I feel that Steve’s body is not here, near, anymore.  I look for him and long to talk to him, finding myself disheartened, maintaining a low-grade hunger.

My friend Rebekah sent me this poem early in our grief.  She had handwritten it with black ink on homemade textured white paper.  Somehow the idea of Rebekah making the paper, then selecting the poem, then taking the time to copy it in her particular ‘font,’ thinking of her thinking about me as she copied it….all of these elements bled into one treasured token of love and hope for me.

 Sometimes when I am working or walking or lost in the rhythm of the day, the words of this poem visit me and speak to me.


As Kingfishers Catch Fire

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame;
As tumbled over rim in roundy wells
Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell’s
Bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;
Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:
Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;
Selves – goes itself; myself it speaks and spells,
Crying What I do is me:  for that I came.


I say more:  the just man justices;
Keeps grace:  that keeps all his goings graces;
Acts in God’s eye what in God’s eye he is –
Christ – for Christ plays in ten thousand places,
Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his
To the Father through the features of men’s faces.

                     By Gerald Manley Hopkins, A Victorian Poet

Soon after Rebekah sent this to me, I did a little research on Hopkins, reading his online bio and other poetry.  I discovered that Hopkins died at 45 years of age.  That his life was laced with spiritual searching and longing and that he died without any of his poetry published.  He was fascinated by common words and intentionally sought to use them in new ways, so that their meaning would be layered and fresh and alive.

All of these moments that tend to the hidden me  remind me of a poem I taught my children when they were littler:

“Keep a poem in your pocket and a picture in your head and you’ll never feel lonely at night when you’re in bed.
The little poem will sing to you, the little picture bring to you a dozen dreams to dance to you at night when you’re in bed. 
So, Keep a picture in your pocket and a poem in your head and you’ll never be lonely at night when you’re in bed.’

                                By Beatrice Shenk De Regniers


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

From Steve's journal

Fundamentalism revisited

"Given the sense of homelessness in modern life, there is anxiety and fear and a tendency to prescribe a style of belonging that has no self-criticism and wants to corral longing in fixed, empirical frames. This is fundamentalism. Fundamentalism is false longing and forced belonging. Unable to read or decipher the labyrinth of absence, the homeless mind often reverts to nostalgia. It begins to imagine that our present dilemma, rather than being a new threshold of possibility, is in fact a disastrous fall from an ideal past. Fundamentalism laments the absence of the time when everything was as it should be. Family values, perfect morality and a pure faith existed without the chagrin of question, critique, or the horror of such notorious practices as alternative lifestyles or morality. Such perfection of course never existed."

Isn't that something? Nostalgia for a life that never existed? Lamenting the loss of a world that never was? Isn't that like every moral sermon you ever heard? This is what the PCA always felt like to me.

Christianity doesn't do that. Instead, it is homesick, or homeless now because it is longing for a world that "will be". It isn't missing a time that was and was lost, it is waiting a promised time (parousia?), that is now but not yet. One is a sorrow with dismay. The other is a sorrow with hope.

People who live on the borders are gazing toward the future, on the "threshold of possibility". But to the fundamentalist, they are somehow seen as the ones who have brought an end to the past ideal, and they are dangerous.

A man's philosphy

Our friends Josh and Abby are moving to Boston to study at Harvard about Urban Revitalization.  Josh sent me this a while ago and I have returned to it many times....


"I read an article this morning and thought about Steve. The article is about the death (oftem martyrdom) of philosophers which really isnt relevant, but this part stood out:
 
"There is a point beyond which philosophy, if it is not to lose face, must turn into something else: performance. It has to pass a test in a foreign land, a territory that’s not its own. For the ultimate testing of our philosophy takes place not in the sphere of strictly rational procedures (writing, teaching, lecturing), but elsewhere: in the fierce confrontation with death of the animal that we are. The worthiness of one’s philosophy reveals itself, if anywhere, in the live performance of one’s encounter with one’s own death; that’s how we find out whether it is of some substance or it is all futility. Tell me how you deal with your fear of annihilation, and I will tell you about your philosophy."

6 months ago today.....

we found out that Steve had cancer. It was the kind of moment that you relive in slow motion. All that mattered up to that moment stopped mattering the minute Steve said to me, "They think I have cancer."

Everyone has said to me, 'oh, my, it just went so quickly.' and I would listen in a bit of a haze and say, 'are you kidding? the days were immeasurably long. it felt like forever.'

but some kind of kairos skin is starting to dissolve and i hear the call to daily tending. I am entering in, but it still feels like slow motion and I do not  know if i will ever keep the pace i did before or if i would ever even want to.

Yesterday someone said to me, after explaining her to do list, "There are just not enough hours in the day." I replied, 'or maybe there are, and we try to do too much.' She disagreed,  describing the so- satisfying feeling of crossing things off her list.

But something deep in me said,  'yes, i know that feeling and it is idolatry.'