So, we have started the 'this day last year we were....' remembering. This must be a universal practice among those who grieve, reliving where and what you were doing this time last year. I am reliving them now with space to imagine all that Steve might have been feeling, the work he was doing internally while his body was giving out.
We found out on Wednesday, March 2. On Thursday morning, March 3 Steve and I drove to the city courthouse for him to file bankruptcy. I remember that it was a fresh crisp morning and we parked our car on Third Avenue. The flowering pears were all in new bloom, lining the courthouse. Filing bancruptcy involved simply walking up and saying, 'yes' to a few questions but I remember how packed the room was and wondering about the lives of those in the room.
We walked to 'Mix' a savvy, relatively new bakery in town and had coffee and a danish. Steve had an apple one and I had a chocolate croissant. I remember how easy Steve talked to the guy at the counter, asking him how business was and if he felt like they would make it there. I remember being comforted by how the week's news had not altered the way Steve spoke to people. Still leaning in to them, quietly really caring about them. We told the children on this day.
I return to Rilke often....this poem found me in January:
"Only he who liflts his lyre
in the underworld as well
may come back
to praising endlessly.
Only he who has eaten
the food of the dead
will make music so clear
that even the softest tone is heard.
Though the reflection in the pool
often ripples away,
take the image within you.
Only in the double realm
do our voices carry
all they can say."