Thursday, June 30, 2011

Poem for a Thousand Days

Poem for a 1000 Days (written by Steve, maybe early 2009?)

The man said we need every second of the time
For our change to come,
For the spiral to weave its way,
Burn its way,
Have its way,
In us.
No wasted seconds.
The clock moves with a steady rhythm.
But time keeps its own time,
And will make us hold a note a little longer.
Or it will turn a second into a day.
Or a month into a minute.
A day like a slow burn crucible,
In a flash, another year.



A Community Within You

My friend Ivey reminded me of this quote over a month ago, and the ideas here keep returning to me, almost daily.  Ideas really are like seeds, that take root internally and nourish us and speak to our inner life without any prompting from my will or reason.

From Henri Nouwen's The Inner Voice of Love:  A Journey through Anguish to Freedom  Doubleday, 1996, page 59

"Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply.  You might be afraid of the pain that deep love can cause.  When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken.  But that should not hold you back form loving deeply.  The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful.  It is like a plow that breaks the ground to allow the seed to take root and grow into a strong plant.  Every time you experience the pain of rejection, absence, or death, you are faced with a choice.  You can become bitter and decide not to love again, or you can stand straight in your pain and let the soil on which you stand become richer and more able to give life to new seeds.

The more you have loved and have allowed your self to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper.  When your love is truly giving and receiving, those whom you live will not leave your heart even when they depart from you.  They will become part of your self and thus gradually build a community within you."

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Anniversaries

Today marks a month of our living without Steve.

We are spending it near each other, with a large portion of the family gathered at Gammy and Bebob's in Gulf Shores.

As I gathered my materials to begin writing thank you notes I looked through our wedding address book and came across the letter we gave our friends and family on our wedding day - just over 7 months ago.

Although there continue to be moments of piercing sadness and days of moving more slowly than ever, I am also seeing ways that Steve prepared a life for me and our children to walk in - a way that feels fearless and full of calm strength and even joy.

Here is the letter:


Dear Friends and Family,


The wedding day is drawing close.


With the help of many writer friends, we are learning a new rhythm.  Wendell Berry has taught us that a “sabbath mood” can rest over our work.  He also gave us desire to live closer to the dirt, and to our friends.  Rainer Rilke and other poets have taught us to “experience everything”…to go through joys and sorrows, not around them.  James Houston said that there is not to be a hint of rivalry.  Ancient Desert Fathers and some modern, priestly “mothers” have taught us to be open to the other, to cultivate hospitality.  Julia Cameron says to write and dream the life you want.


It is our dream to build a home where these ideas become tangible, and where they become a real place for our children to come home.  This grand experiment is already taking shape at 1106 28th Place. 
  
We will be married in the Chapel of the Holy Family at All Saints Episcopal.  We know, and all our seven children know, what it is like for a family to break.   When we first met with Glenda, our Priest, we were in this chapel.  She told us that she had entered there many times alone, praying that her broken family would be swallowed up into this Holy Family.  This tiny chapel seems like a fitting room to officially begin our life together as a family.


A mentor of ours says that it is hearthside that family is preserved.  We would like our whole wedding weekend to reflect the rhythms we are discovering, and we are inviting all of you to come and spend some time by the fire, and join in various smaller celebrations.  There will be plenty of sustaining food and drink.  


Friday afternoon we will be readying the house for the weekend.  On Friday evening, we will probably have cocktails at the house, then all meet for dinner at a local restaurant.  On Saturday, Melanie and her teacher friends will go for a late brunch together.  We’ll have afternoon tea and a brief vespers service, then Steve and the boys may go for a beer or two that night.


Beginning Sunday Morning, we will go to church as usual.  After church (and some cheese and crackers), we will proceed to the chapel for our nuptials.  This is a tiny room, and only the wedding party will fit.  But others could sit in the Nave.  The afternoon will be for resting before the big party.  
Beginning at 5:30, we will celebrate with our musician friends, with a potluck dinner, and plenty of libation.  


Thank you for being a part of our wedding.  Just having you there is enough for us.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Trinity Sunday

Our priests continue to take such good care of us.  I cannot imagine going through what our family has faced  without the care and nearness of our All Saints family.  This past Sunday our priest, Eris Stelle mentioned Steve in his sermon.  I asked him if I could post it here....








Today is Trinity Sunday, the day we ponder perhaps the church’s most sublime insight to the nature and mystery of God.  And, if that weren’t enough, today we read the first chapter of Genesis – the first chapter of scripture – the first word on who God is and who we are.
Really, it’s too much.  It’s too much beauty and glory and mystery and hope to absorb in one morning; too much to absorb in a lifetime: The Trinity and the creation.  I do believe that within these mysteries lie every word that our aching hearts long to hear.  To speak of them is no small thing.
Before we start, I want to clarify something about the creation story.
The author of Genesis was not writing a science book.  It is not a treatise on the physical development of creation.  And we do violence to the text and the author’s intention when we force that kind of reading on it.
The story of creation is principally a theological text.  It is an ancient form of writing that explores the nature and the character of God, using the form of a narrative.  Don’t press this story to prove how God made the world; look to it to understand who God is, and what he intends for his creation.  When we approach the text with this intent, it suddenly reveals itself to be one of the most extraordinary passages in the entire Bible.  It is no exaggeration to say that every major theme in the Bible, every major doctrine of God and his work of redemption, finds its origin in this story.  Every one.
Including the Trinity.  But, to be clear, when the author of Genesis penned this opening chapter of scripture I do not believe that he himself had any formulated understanding of the Trinitarian nature of God.   It was – at least – a thousand years after Genesis was written before the doctrine of the Trinity was articulated.  But from our vantage point, we can look back to the story of creation and perceive in it the seeds of that truth.
And it is those seeds that I want to explore this morning.
So we start with God the Father.  How is the father portrayed in this story?
Principally, God is portrayed as the one who creates order and goodness and life out of chaos and danger.  Isn’t it fascinating that the author begins the story, not with nothing, but with a “formless void” and “darkness covering the face of the deep.”  Three words: “formless, void, and deep”.  The “formless void” envisions a barren wasteland, a desert, a place of desolation – a thoroughly inhospitable place where no life can exist.  And “the deep” implies water, a deep ocean – again – a place of danger and disorder.
And then God speaks.  He simply speaks and effortlessly begins to order that which had no order.  “Let there be light” and there was light.  There is an ease with which God reveals his authority.
One thing that scholars of Genesis are quick to point out is how similar this story is to other creation stories that existed in the Ancient Near East.  And the assumption often made is that the story can’t be “true” if, in fact, it’s just a compilation of plagiarism from other sources.  However, given that this is a theological text, I believe that what the author is doing is using those stories and turning them on their heads, to create a theological statement about the true nature of God.
For example, all the other creation narratives depict an epic battle between cosmic forces of Good and Evil.  But what makes this story so distinctive is the ease of God’s creating.  “Let there be light…Let there be dome in the midst of the waters…Let the earth put forth vegetation…”  He speaks and makes it so, with just his words.  The God we encounter in this story is a God of absolute and unassailable authority.  Nothing is threatening to this God.  Nothing can touch him or his intentions.
And what are his intentions?  How does he choose to demonstrate his authority?  He puts in order what has no order.  He makes safe what was dangerous.  He makes alive which could not live.  The thing that is most evident about God in this is that he takes what is bad and makes it into good.
And this remains the foundational truth about God that we continue to depend on in our lives.  Our lives are filled with disorder and chaos and fear.  Where does the suffering come from?  What is the origin of evil?  I don’t know.  And the Bible doesn’t tell us.  But it does respond to that elemental question with this principal image of God: he is the one who creates order.  He is the one who redeems, who sets things right, who makes good where there was no good.  When we find ourselves in the “formless void” – when marriages fail, when loved ones die, when your work place becomes toxic – we turn to God.  And when we do, we always encounter the God who says, “Let there be light.”  And there is light.  And the light is good.   And this opening image of God is developed and reinforced throughout the entire Bible.  On this you can depend.  God the father.
Next: God the Holy Spirit.
Again we read: “darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters.”  This image of the “wind of God” sweeping over the waters is the first of many such occurrences in Scripture.  Think of the flood when the water subsides, or the Exodus from Egypt when God parts the Red Sea and later the Jordan.  In each case it is the same word and the same image: this powerful wind blowing over the waters.  In the original Hebrew, “wind” and “breath” and “spirit” are all the same word.  It’s a safe conclusion to perceive in this opening line that God himself is somehow intimately present to the chaos, even before the ordering began.  From the beginning, even in the worst circumstances, there we find our God, hovering over the face of the waters.
Recently, my friend Steve was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  And no sooner had he been diagnosed, than his lungs began to fill with fluid.  As I remember those pain-filled days, and as I read the Genesis story, the two stories begin to merge into one:  The waters are no longer only some primordial sea – the waters become the fluid that was filling Steve’s lungs, the disordered waters of death stalking him, bursting their banks and flowing where they did not belong.  Yet, even in the midst of this chaos, we perceive the intimate presence of the Holy Spirit.  For it is a basic tenet of the Christian faith that through our baptismal waters, the Spirit makes its home in us.  That spirit, that breath of God, was in Steve, was in him so intimately that his own breathing, in and out, was one with the breath – the Spirit – of God.  Yes – the waters had come where they did not belong.  But, even there, so was the Spirit, intimately and eternally present with him – never abandoning him.
And this remains our hope: God has made his home in us.  We cannot, we will not, be abandoned by him, regardless of what waters overtake us.  God the Holy Spirit.
And finally, God the Son.
The story of creation keeps building.  Day after day, God puts this creation in order – increasingly making it full and fruitful and teaming with life.  And at each step of the way he affirms its essential goodness.  Then we reach the sixth day – this monumental day when God creates humanity.  And the fundamental characteristic of humanity is that they are made in the image and likeness of God.  Perhaps this phrase is so familiar to you that it has lost its power.  Stop and listen afresh: we are made in the image of God.  You and I and all humanity are essentially godlike beings.  Just saying it and hearing it makes us uncomfortable.  It sounds so presumptuous, heretical even.  So let’s look at this more deeply.
In the Ancient Near East, this phrase “image of God” or “likeness of God” was used to describe a statue that a king would place in a territory that he’d conquered.  It was a sign that the king himself was present there, claiming sovereignty over that land.  The term was also used to describe idols, carved images of gods, that were placed in the temples.  These images were perceived not just as symbols, but actual manifestations of the gods.
With this in mind, what is the author telling us about how God is sovereign and present in the earth?  Through the imago dei, humans are the image of God, living representations of God himself.  No other creation story made such an audacious claim.  The only person in the Ancient Near East who would ever be given such dignity was a king.  Kings were semi-divine.  But not in this story.  All people, male and female, without exception, are made in the image of God.
And what task are the people given?  “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion”.  In short, as representations of God on earth, they are given the task of behaving like God.  What they are commanded to do is absolutely consistent with what we’ve seen God doing throughout the creation story up to this point: creating and ordering, making the world safe and habitable, fruitful and productive.
Make no mistake, subduing the earth has nothing to do with exploiting the earth and its resources.  To the contrary, our engagement with all created things is to be godlike: to make whole what is broken, to make safe what is violent, to make good what is evil.  This is the principal way God is described in this story.  So this becomes the principal call for us who are given to this earth as the image of God.
This has and always shall be our human calling.  But it is hard for us and we fail often.  But as the scriptures unfold, there is one human – one image and likeness of God – who did not fail.  I am speaking of course of the Incarnation.  I am speaking of Jesus, fully human and fully divine, whose whole life and mission perfectly fulfilled this mandate.  When he cured the sick and cast out the demons, when he dignified women and the poor, when he instituted the sacraments, and – ultimately – when he conquered death itself: at every point he was bringing order out of chaos: fully and completely the likeness of God, making manifest the reign of God on earth.  So we see: God the Son.
The author of Genesis had no idea that he was planting seeds within this story that would grow and prove themselves the starting place of God’s revelation of himself as Holy Trinity.  But, looking back, it’s all there.  His work in creation made order out of chaos, but God himself needed no such ordering.  God has always been a perfect, harmonious union, a complete community of being within himself.  And, true to his nature to create and to give, he made us in that same image.  He made us to be like him.  And when we failed, God the eternal Son, become incarnate, making himself one with us.  And if we are one with Christ and Christ is one with the Father and the Spirit, then our likeness to God has been restored.  We live and participate in the life of the Holy Trinity
Our mandate remains the same: be as God to the world.  For we are the body of Christ.  We may lift up our heads and assume the dignity that is ours and live into that dignity.  May our words and actions be godlike, bringing healing, love, forgiveness and light.  And so may God say of our lives the words that he spoke that first day: “Let there be light.”  And we shall be light to this broken world.  And may God see us, his children and likeness, and affirm again, “It is very good.”

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The last chapter of steve's highland park musings

When I left what the lawyers refer to as my “marital residence”, I got out with a couple of pieces of furniture, some clothes, and a deep, deep connection with my children.  What didn’t make it out the door was my vocation, my church, a whole lot of friends, and all my money.  Willie Nelson said, “you know why divorce is so expensive?  Because it’s worth it.”  Divorce is not a good financial decision.  But if you offered all that money and my job back, I’d never take it.  No regrets.  I remember the night I froze in my tracks and said, “I’m done.”  I was.

My two daughters went with me to pick out apartments.  Their favorite was a  one bedroom (we turned the dining room into bedroom #2) in an historic old building right on Highland by Caldwell Park.  My kids made me promise not to leave Highland Park.  They loved it there, and when we sold the marital residence on Cliff Road, their mother high-tailed it out of the neighborhood and back to the burbs.  I had no intention of leaving.

For some time, even before the trouble began, I used to walk late at night- and I had this premonition that I might end up in one of the apartment buildings.  Funny.

My three children and I piled into the new place (we split the time- basically half with me, half with their mother.)  We settled into a rhythm quickly and actually some relief settled in too.  The church people told me my children were doomed.  My girls thought that was pretty funny.  I don’t want to downplay what divorce can do to kids, but I was determined to walk through it with them, talk as much as we could, deal with what it exposed in me and in them, and not stop pursuing them.  I found this prayer and it became a mantra-  “Let not those whose hope is in you be put to shame because of me.”

Well, we lasted about six months in that first apartment- it was like a long camping trip.  It was cheap and it was fun, but we weren’t going to fit.  We all missed it because it was the place where we found a refuge and knew we were going to make it.  It’s the place where I launched my new career in real estate.

I didn’t mention the neighbors.  The house next door, right out my kitchen window, was a home for mentally challenged men.  The guys spent a lot of the day sitting in rockers or pacing on the porch.  When I was in the kitchen they were three feet away.  One fella was a day resident who came in on the bus every day.  I’ll call him “Bud”.  The first morning I heard this booming voice out the window, Bud was standing at the rail saying “There’s a 50% chance of thunderstorms in the late afternoon…Thunderstorms in the late afternoon…There’s a 50’% chance of thunderstorms…thunderstorms!”  Over and over.  The next morning it was “Right now at Sticks and Stuff!  Three days only!  Everything must go!...Sticks and Stuff…!”  Every day he would come in, grab the first line he heard on the common room TV, and broadcast it to the neighbors.  We saw Bud in the downtown library the other day.  Melanie said hello to him.  Bud asked, “What day is your birthday?”  She said, “The 1st.”  “What month?”  “August.”  Bud said, “OK,” and walked off.  We’re pretty sure that next time we see him he’ll say “Why hello, August 1st.”


The story of Melanie’s childhood isn’t really mine to tell, but I’ll relay a few things that give some sense of who she is. She spent some of her summers growing up with her Grandparents in Michigan.  I’ve actually seen their house when I was in Grand Rapids for a writer’s conference.  Her grandfather called her his “little spark plug”, and that nickname summed her up.  She was precocoious and alive.  Because of books and her church background, she was aware of an unseen world, still, she was constantly amazed by things she found in this one.  Whether it was a pretty new leaf, an animal, a new flavor of ice cream, or an idea, it was met with a familiar gasp and “Oh my gosh!”  Every day was and still is a day of discovery.

She inherited traits from both her parents, though her mother gave her the attention that shaped her.  She got charm and passion from her father.  She’s the same girl whether alone or in a crowded room.  But when she does enter a room, or when she speaks, there is a magnetism to her, and heads turn her way.  I don’t think she know about it. I’ve watched it again and again- she captures attention.

From her mother she received strength and kindness and a hunger to know.  I’ve also watched her turn her wonder for the world toward a person- she can see into them and draw them out.  She has done this for me.

Melanie was rebellious.  Not in a lawless or reckless way (like myself).  She just would never settle for things as they were.  While she was happy in her safe, religious world, she always knew there was more.  And she wasn’t afraid to look for it.

She grew into a vocation that is an extension of her own wonder.  She is as natural a teacher as there has ever been.  Her joy of discovery spills out of her and ito the imagination of children.  The classroom is at times chaotic as students work freely at a task.  Or, the room is vacant because Melanie is overcome with the need to have the children take a walk in the rain.  When she reads to them they are spellbound, and transported into other worlds.

My landlord was kind enough to let me move two blocks up the hill- up Niazuma Avenue.







I Cannot Grieve the Way I Should (written by Steve)

I Cannot Grieve the Way that I Should

Though grief has come alive in me,
I cannot grieve the way that I should
Or think I should, 
Or feel I should.
Just where my grief and sorrow live,
My tension lives as well.
And it seems proper that I should pull the world down upon my head,
Or, as the man says, “swallow all the sorrows” of my friends,
Or of my love.
But I cannot.
I would if I could.
But inserting itself into growing despair,
An uninvited hope,
An “all shall be well”,
That keeps grief from boiling over.
And unties the knots in my gut.
Not illusion.
Not “peace where there is no peace”.
Hope, not fear.
It is not feeling nothing.
It is feeling everything.

(He soaks up grief like a sponge.)

Though joy has come alive in me,
I cannot rejoice the way I should
Or think I should,
Or feel I should.
It seems proper that I should stand on tables,
And dance,
And shout,
And wave my arms.
But I cannot.
I would if I could.
But each bubbling joy is laced with sadness.
Remembering that “all is not as it should be”.  
It is not feeling nothing,
It is feeling everything.

(He soaks up grief like a sponge.
He turned water into wine.
Cup of sorrow. 
Cup of joy.)

Each week it is,  “Christ will come again.”
A day of climax for sorrow,
And for explosions of joy.
Dancing with tears and laughter.

But today…

There is a place where joy and sorrow meet,
Where they co-exist and co-mingle.
Moments of piercing grief (of a ‘working breast’),
Are bathed in unanticipated love
 Unexpected forgiveness
  Mercy
             Laughter.
Opposite things both true in a timeless moment.
The sweetness of pleasure tinged by absence,
 Joy lessened because it is not shared.
 Greater joy, greater loneliness.

Now I am alive to it.
And now, 
Just remembering that such a meeting place exists
 Brings darts of ecstasy and pain,
 And both run through my essence at the same time.
  Warm and empty
  Hollow and full,
It is not feeling nothing.
It is feeling everything.
 

from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town ( good words)

quoted in Peter Kreeft's Love is Stronger than Death, a book I had given Steve a few years ago because I loved the author, but one neither of us had read yet.....

"In a life conscious of its temporal end in death, everything is seen as an end in itself, that is, as something intrinsically valuable.  Emily realizes this in Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.  When she sees her past life from the perspective of death (she has just died), she says to the Stage Manager:

     I can't.  I can't go on.  Oh!  Oh! It goes so fast.  We don't have time to look at one another....I didn't realize.  So all that was going on and we never noticed.  Take me back---up the hill----to my grave.  But first:  Wait!  One more look.  Good-by, Good-by, world.  Good-by Grover's Corners...Mama and Papa.  Good-by to clocks ticking....and Mama's sunflowers.  And food and Coffee.  And new ironed dresses and hot baths....and sleeping and waking up.  Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realizle you.  (She looks toward teh Stage Manager and asks abruptly, through her tears) Do any human beings ever realize life while they livi it? - every, every minute?

Stage Manager:  No.  (Pause)  The saints and poets, maybe - they do some."