“I have just come through a time where I have come to see that I am not the man I was. And I am attempting to remember parts of myself, in order to find a way ahead. I do think that I have come to see that I have two strong parts to my personality. One side, which I will talk about now, is less dominant- my second nature, but I think I have lived out of it more in my adult life. The words I associate with it are vision and leading, and it is faster and accomplished. And dangerous.
I think my truer self, my first nature, is reflective, introverted and slow- more poetic. I’m sure they are connected, and I would hope that the second would find it’s source in the first, but I think I have lived without much real awareness of how I operate.
I have been thinking about leading. I remember someone saying about me, “he’s not really a strong leader, is he?” This perplexed me. Certainly I am not of a choleric temperament, and that is a type of leader, a strong leader. But, my whole life, whenever I have turned around, people have been following me.
But I have often lead reluctantly. Especially at first, it was not something I sought out. But somehow, in every group or organization I was a part of, I ended up leading. Often it came because of a vacuum. And it has a lot to do with taking responsibility. When we moved to Foley, there was no soccer. Frank and I helped form and start little league soccer, and then started the High School Soccer team (all of which are huge now).
I think my leading is directly related to turf and responsibility. If I feel ownership and responsibility, and that I am on my own turf, I have no problem taking charge. If I am unsure about my position, I am reluctant- not wanting to usurp someone else.
I never had any qualms about setting direction and fighting for RMC.
I see the strength in leading, but I am now seeing that something dark has attached to its underside. I’m sure it is the source of competitiveness, rivalry, and also managing people. Moving too fast to understand what was going on with people. It’s almost like I move too fast or too slow. No even pace. I remember going from a staff meeting where we were planning the next year, to a meeting with a couple who lost a baby. It is/was hard to shift between what was needed for both meetings. I wonder if I was present with that couple, when my mind was alive with the swirling ideas of leading RMC?
And feeling responsibility for everything, not wanting to disappoint, and thinking I could handle everything, led to managing everything. And led to me promising more than I was able to deliver.