"So don't be frightened, dear friend, if a sadness confronts you larger than any you have ever known, casting its shadow over all you do. You must think that something is happening within you, and remember that life has not forgotten you; it holds you its hand and will not let you fall. Why would you want to exclude from your life any uneasiness, any pain, any depression, since you don't know what work they are accomplishing within you?"
Margaret and I talked about grief last night. We laughed when trying to remember the acronym for the stages, "Now what is it?' she said, "d a d a?"
Hmmmm. So, I googled it....it's ' d a b d a.' Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
One thing we know for sure. These do not happen in chronological order. And bargaining doesn't seem like one of our options. The other ones all do seem a part of this bargain. Margaret said that recently she reread the wedding letter that Steve wrote for our friends last November and was surprised at the anger that washed over her.
I haven't sensed that. Yet. But the grief for me at this point is not only Steve's death, but the death of the me I was when Steve was near. I am ready to come home to myself.